Whether your infertility appears to be explained or you are still searching for an explanation, we all go through some of the same things in dealing with infertility.

After a year and a half of "trying" I was informed by my wife Kathy's OBGYN that we met the definition of infertile since there had been no conception during this period. It was irrational, but I had started feeling that there had never been any need for us to use birth control and wondered why we ever used it the first place. "We can't get pregnant anyway", I thought. Her physician explained to both of us some of the steps that we could take to find an explanation for our not being able to conceive. He was reassuring and helped us understand the first steps that we needed to consider taking.

As the results from each test came in, the results were explained and the next step we could take was also explained. I liked this, because it made this whole process more manageable. I didn't have to worry about things that might never happen or tests that might never be necessary.

As we went through each test I wanted to know if there was anything wrong and I also didn't want to know. Yet I had no idea that each test might still not provide an answer! Many couples discover things through these tests which help them understand the reasons they are having difficulty conceiving. This information is important since it helps you understand your situation and often results in options that can be considered to help you achieve your goal.

Dealing with these results.....

For Kathy and I the results of all the tests were comforting but very confusing. I did have one low sperm count, but this was four months after I had been very sick with the flu and had a high fever. This appeared to be a situational result since these sperm were the ones being formed when I had been sick. The other sperm counts before and after were all fine. Still no answer. The rest of the tests on Kathy yielded the same result. Everything is fine and in working order. This was the best and worse news we could have had. We wondered why we were not getting pregnant?

We felt so fortunate that we were not finding any specific problems, and we were still frustrated that no answers were coming. I knew that people sometimes had difficulty conceiving, but I had no idea that 25% of these infertility cases were never explained.

At times, it felt like it would have been easier if there had been something wrong. At least we would have had an explanation. Was I looking for someone to blame? I don't think so. I just wanted to know, so I could DO something about it. I know now that this is a particular problem for men, who want to know so we can DO something about it. I know now that this is a particular problem for men, who want to know so we can do something about it - fix it.

Both Kathy and I were frustrated by all the things we heard that reminded us that we were trying to conceive and were not able to. Things like the abortion issue, teen pregnancy, a cousin who had a down syndrome child, a couple who are dear friends who lost a baby because of a severe chromosomal disorder. What was amazing to me was how much we took a normal pregnancy for granted, but no more. Now it seemed impossible and full of risk and potential failure and/or heartache.

Finally my wife and I had to decide how much further we wanted to go. We had several timed inseminations to make sure that the sperm were introduced at the right time, but that had not been successful. We had to sit down and really talk about how much we wanted to do to create this pregnancy. I know there is no one right answer to this question. For my wife and I, we decided to look into adoption. After my wife and I had finally decided to discontinue the infertility treatments and procedures, we began the process of adopting a little girl from China. We went through a lot in making this decision, but it seemed right for us. We found out about the adoption process, filed applications and government forms and a week before our scheduled home study we discovered that we were pregnant! Now we have a healthy little boy named Daniel Nicholas.

How many stories have we heard like ours. If there is a place for faith in your life, this is one time it seems invaluable to have. The whole process of creating life is full of mystery. We understand HOW it happens but sometimes there are things, which simply defy explanation. How does one let go and keep trying at the same time? This paradox summarizes something that Kathy and I had to learn in confronting and dealing with our infertility.

Lessons I have learned from this experience… Never give up. There is always something more you can do, be open to every possibility. Things that you never considered become viable options if you are only open to them and take it one step at a time. Talk about things. This can be difficult for people, perhaps more so for men than women, but the discomfort of infertility can be very difficult for both sexes to discuss. Having a good relationship with your spouse, physician, your fertility specialist, and perhaps a listening professional who is sensitive to the issues of infertility can all make a difficult process easier.

It seemed to finally work out OK for us. Of course, we are wondering if we want Daniel Nicholas to have a younger sibling. But it is different now as we look toward the future and it is NOT just because we have Daniel now. It is because this experience has changed us. We know that we can make a decision, we have or can obtain the information available, we have people to talk to and be with us through this process and we only have to take it one step at a time. We don't have as great a need to have the explanation, the answer. (Note: Kathy and I are expecting another boy on 3/9/98!)

Additional Information available in Saint Louis through:

P.A.R.I.N.T.S.
(Infertility Management LLC)
For more information contact:
Becky Kubala, RN
(314) 993-2340