Saint Louis
T'ai Chi Ch'uan
Thomas M. Krapu, PhD, PCC

Benjamin Pang Jeng Lo
1927-2018

Dear Friends,

With the passing of our dear teacher Benjamin Pang Jeng Lo, I cannot help but feel compelled to share my Ben story. While my intentions are to tell a story to honor Ben, it is necessarily about myself as well. While I know that in Ben's modesty he would not want me to broadcast these experiences publicly I fear these stories and experiences will be lost to history, therefore I write.

My hope is that my story will invite others to share the experience they had with Ben whether it is a favorite memory or a more detailed story such as mine. My hope is that together we can create a rich narrative about Ben and his legacy.

Some of this story I have already related in another writing:

http://www.krapu4.com/taichi/vita.htm

Having looked for a T'ai Chi teacher for eleven years, I first observed Ben conducting a workshop for the St. Louis T’ai Chi Association in 1985. I instantly knew that my search for an authentic teacher had been realized.

As I began studying I heard stories about his week long "camps" but based on those stories and my experience working with him for an entire weekend workshop each year in St. Louis, I felt I was not yet ready for a camp experience and waited three years before attending my first camp. I thought I could prepare for the camp experience (laugh).

That's me, wiped out in front. Ben looking at me with "affection".

My first Push Hands experience with Ben

During his annual visit to St. Louis and after I had begun the study of Push Hands, I was able to practice Push Hands with him for the first time. As was his habit, he was willing to work with beginners and invited me to work with him. In this first experience he simply applied a light touch to one of my arms and placed his hand on the center of my chest while instructing me to not move my feet. His light touch responded to my every move, he gently moved me backwards and then gently pushed me so my front foot was forced to move. I felt helpless to stop him. He spent a few minutes repeating this action with me. I had a feeling that he knew my body better than I did. A very uncanny experience to say the least, but what happen after he finished had an even a bigger impact. As I stepped aside to let the next person have their turn I attempted to say something to one of my classmates, to my surprise I could not speak! I had a verbal aphasia (https://www.aphasia.org/aphasia-definitions/) and was literally "speechless". It took about five minutes for my ability to speak to return. As I look back, it seems that I experienced something that I had no mental model of to make sense out of what had just happened to me. My brain just could not process what had just happened.

In preparation for my first camp, I planned a trip to take classes from Ben at his school in San Francisco. The first class at his school was memorable. The check I gave him before class has my title of "Dr." on it. After class, he took me aside and asked "What kind of doctor are you?". I told him I was a psychologist. I didn't see him signal one of his students to move behind me as he asked me to assume a 70-30 posture. I did as he instructed, and he lightly touched my ward off arm. I suddenly found myself flying back ten to fifteen feet into the arms of his student. There was no pain or abrupt shock, only a sudden acceleration out of nowhere. He signaled me to resume the posture again. Again, I flew! He proceeded to continue to ti fang me back and of course I occasionally "loaded up" in anticipation of his push but he would gently time a withdrawal and watch me fall forward in anticipation. Alternating between bouncing me across the room and letting me fall forward, he finally stopped and asked me,
"You are a psychologist right?".
"Yes", I answered.
"You should know this!", he said!
And laughed in that way that only Ben could laugh, never mean spirited and usually humbling.

First camp: La Honda

I finally braved a camp and chose the La Honda, CA camp. It was really tough. Each morning BEFORE BREAKFAST, we practiced a "holding round". (For non t'ai chi practitioners, this is where you hold each posture of the form rather than flow through it. A holding round could last 45 minutes with Ben , when the form can be done in 7-10 minutes.) By Wednesday, on the way to morning exercise, I commented about how difficult it was to a fellow camper. "Yeah!" He exclaimed, "usually we only do the form and hold the standing meditation posture before breakfast!" I then learned that Ben had a swollen knee due to being bitten by a bug a couple of weeks earlier at his East Coast camp. Since he could not do the form he had us do holding rounds before breakfast. What an introduction to camp!

Demonstrating the Form

I observed that it was not Ben's habit to demonstrate the form however, during another visit to St. Louis, it was requested and he granted the favor. I was sitting right in front of him as he went from Single Whip to Lifting Hands. The energy I felt from him passed right through me, yet he looked completely relaxed and his movement flowed. I had this mixed feeling of awe and wonder, along with some kind of terror at the thought of his applying that move on me martially.

Huang

Ben had shown a film of Huang Sheng Shyan at his La Honda camp. Among other things Huang touched students on the top of their shoulders and they would drop to the ground.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSnUDkCQ0WU
(Very beginning and 1:55 marker)

Ben knew that people would view these interactions as staged and fake in some way. I trusted Ben when he said it was absolutely real. While we were on break I must have mentioned Huang. He told me to take a 70-30 posture. He lightly rested his hands on my shoulders. All I felt was a light tap and the root in my legs just disappeared and I dropped like a rag doll to the ground. There was no shock or pain involved at all. Probably seeing the look of disbelief on my face he said, "Again". This time knowing what was going to happen I attempted to prepare myself only to experience the same thing. He demonstrated that to me at least three times, each ending with the same result. Now I "knew" what Huang Sheng Shyan did was true.

St. Louis 2004 workshop including Ben holding my son Ben and me holding my son Daniel.

Palm Breathing

Anytime Ben would visit St. Louis, it was common for students to gather around him during breaks asking questions. On one particular break, I joined the crowd. Ben had his hand extended, palm up. I looked in utter amazement as he relaxed and made his palm breathe by controlling the chi in his hand. I don't know if any video exist of him doing this. It is very hard to describe. The middle of his relaxed palm was sinking and raising like your chest rises and falls when you breathe. Yet his hand was completely relaxed, so there was no muscular force creating the movement. I looked on in amazement and disbelief about what I was seeing. Again, I had no mental model to explain what I was seeing. It resulted in a confused state of mind as I tried to make sense out of what I was seeing. I could not believe my eyes.

Another demonstration

On another visit to St. Louis and while Ben was staying at Bill Grivna’s house, he allowed me to visit him there. We were talking and he wanted to demonstrate something to me. I wanted to oblige since I always learned something from whatever he was demonstrating. He had me stand facing him, both of us with our left foot forward. He held his hand up with his index finger pointing straight up, with the rest of his hand forming a relaxed fist that faced toward himself.
“Grab a hold of my finger,” he instructed. I put my hand around his finger.
“No, use strength”, he instructed. So I clenched my fist around his finger and squeezed tight also trying to relax my body as much as I could. Suddenly I became aware of an energy in Ben’s hand that I was squeezing. Over a period of about a second or two, I felt the energy travel down through his body, into his rear foot and then back up to his hand again. Once the energy return to his hand, he moved his hand first to the right and I found myself flying to the right. The moment I was able to catch my balance, he moved to the left and I flew to the left, still hanging onto his finger, now for dear life. Back and forth I went, only pausing enough to attempt to catch my balance before I flew again.

2005 at Bills house
(From Left to Right: Me, Ben and Bill Grivna)

One Midwest Camp in Wisconsin.

At one of the Midwest camps that I attended, we had just finished the time dedicated to Push Hands and I was returning to the chapel like room that the campers were using for storage. There were pews but mostly filled with items brought by campers. I had a question for Ben and thought he might be in there. Entering the room I saw Ben sitting as he often did, body upright and relaxed, feet flat on the floor, his hands on his thighs above his knees. I took a few steps into the room and was suddenly aware of an energy that completely filled the room. His eyes were fully focused in front of him, sitting deep in meditation. His body was perfectly still. I suddenly felt like I had disturbed a sacred sanctuary and as I started to excuse myself Ben relaxed his focus, turned to me and gently asked what I wanted. I welcomed his invitation and he took the time to answer my question.

Ben at a Midwest camp

Another time in San Francisco with Ben

Another time while in San Francisco, outside of class, Ben mentioned that you can tell a lot about a person's character by how they walk. This peaked my curiosity, since I knew that the heals of my shoes wore very unevenly. He said that how you walk is how you live your life. Walk with your feet pointing straight forward and it is an indication that you walk "straight" and "upright" in your life, with integrity. When I have talked about Ben to people who did not know him, this is one word that he exemplified to me: Integrity. Ever since I have tried to be more conscious about how I walk and rather than walking with my toes pointed outward, as was my habit, I have learned how to walk with my feet straight.

Ben's last workshop in St. Louis

At the last workshop in St. Louis with Ben we were talking during break. I reminded him of the first class I took with him in San Francisco some twenty-five years earlier, and how he threw me across the room saying, "I should know this". Ben, then in is 80s, asked me to get in a 70-30 posture so I did. He gently moved my relaxed ward off arm and suddenly I flew ten feet back. Here we go again, and again, three times total. He totally still had “it”.

2012 Dinner in St. Louis at Lulu's
(a restaurant Ben loved)

A pivotal thought

One of my most pivotal moments with Ben was actually something he said as we discussed a video related to Ben's teacher, Professor Cheng Man’ Ching. There was a classmate of Ben's in the video who could withstand a punch anywhere on his body, no matter how hard someone hit him (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iron_shirt). Ben explained that this person had developed this skill by only practicing T’ai Chi under Professor Cheng. Then he said something that I will never forget,

“Everyone get’s something different.”

Pondering that thought for months after, I had the deep realization that practicing T’ai Chi was not to become like someone else who practiced T’ai Chi (e.g. our teacher or teacher’s teacher). In fact, Ben never implied that anyone should be like him. This was something I had always put upon myself. Seeing others who I respected and admired, I felt I should work hard to be more like their t’ai chi and by implication if I worked hard enough I would get what they have. Not so, my hard work in T’ai Chi helps me become exactly who I am meant to be. Whatever benefit I derive from T’ai Chi is what “I get”. More than anything now, this is what the "self development" of T'ai Chi Ch'uan means to me.

I have been searching my memory for every significant experience I have had with Ben that seems worthy of sharing and honors him. As I look back now and imagine Ben coming into the room at a workshop or camp, I can only imagine what he saw. A cross section of humanity, tense, unbalanced, unfocused, maybe unhealthy. Perhaps a projection on my part, but what a miserable group of humanity we must have seemed to be. Yet he did not play favorites, each person, regardless of of experience, got his close attention. No matter how experienced you were there was always something to correct. I now look back and can see the unspoken compassion he had, especially for beginners. He had the spirit of a teacher, which reminds me of his teacher, Professor Cheng's words,

"Holding nothing back, I teach you as I would teach my own children".

Others may be better able to describe the tiger in Ben through their experience and stories. Such as his demonstration of martial applications from the form or other Push Hands experiences. I will remember Ben for his unwavering compassion and hope that each person be his or her best, something he never let us forget. "Do your best" is one of his phrases that is etched into my soul. Other common Ben sayings:

No burn, no earn.

No pain, no gain.

Remember my name: Ben........ Lo (Bend Low in the postures)

Is that your body? (Ummmm yeah, of course) Why doesn't it do what you tell it to!

Bemjamin Pang Jeng Lo

I thought it was important to show Ben respect considering the Chinese tradition he came from and since he was so respected around the world. Whenever in his presence I would address Ben as Mr. Lo. In the Chinese tradition, it would not be appropriate to call him teacher. People often noticed this and one person (Patricia?) once noted how "cute" it was. I always wanted to show Ben respect. In the Chinese tradition, Ben was my teacher, but I was not his student. Now, here I am in 2018, I am 64 years old. I look at other people in their sixties and even younger and I feel I have been so blessed to have known Benjamin Pang Jeng Lo. Truly, thanks to him I have been rewarded as the implied promise in the T'ai Chi classics suggests, and which Ben translated:

"Think over carefully what the final purpose is:
to lengthen life and maintain youth."

Final Visit

The last time I saw Ben was at his home in San Francisco just a few months before his passing. When I entered the room he did not recognize me. Finally, I spoke to him and he immediately knew me and we had a nice laugh. Tana was there and as the three of us were reminiscing and trying to remember the names of some of our T'ai Chi family members, it was Ben who still remembered. He was mentally sharp. It wasn’t till later that it dawned upon me why he did not recognize me. Early in my studies I had heard that it is a Chinese tradition for men to not grow a beard since it makes their parent’s look older. I had taken this to heart and would always shave when going to see Ben. In all these years he had never seen me with a beard! This time I had a beard and he teased me that I looked older than he did!

With so many great memories and stories to share, I am not sure that any of them can truly demonstrate the impact Ben had on my life. I am forever grateful for the love, patience, kindness, and mentorship Ben showed me through all of these years. In 1998 I decided to honor Ben in the greatest way I could think of by giving my second son his name.

Benjamin Thomas Krapu
standing meditation
with his dad (me).